4 tips to kickstart honest conversations at work | Betsy Kauffman

TED

Personal Story - Son's Courage to Speak Truth

Speaker has two teenage sons (16 and 13) with different personalities
Older son knows when to bite tongue, younger lacks filter
3 years ago: neighborhood conflict with kids at war - tears, screaming, shouting
Younger son (10 at time) calmly told another child: "you are lying, you know that's not what happened, it's time to come clean and tell everyone the truth"
Entire group stopped, couldn't argue with his real and honest delivery
Moment sparked speaker's thinking about societal fear of speaking up

Society has created fear to speak up, especially among peers/co-workers
Ideal scenarios: telling boss unreasonable project deadlines, calling out difficult co-workers
Speaker's background: leadership and organizational coach
Observed hundreds of scenarios where people afraid to speak up
Common pattern: meeting with disagreement → silence → passive-aggressive texting during meeting → water cooler conversations after meeting
Problem: conversations happen after meeting instead of during

Goal: stop passive aggressive texting, bring water cooler conversations front and center
Belief: these conversations will change work dynamics
Results: more productive, less fearful, happier at work

"Captain Obvious Strategy" for nervous/anxious moments
Example phrase: "Call me captain obvious but isn't that solution not really going to address our problem?"
Benefits: adds humor, checks room for others with same thoughts, opens door for others to speak up
Can say "captain obvious" quietly in head before speaking (mental pump-up)
Confidence is first step in entire process

Having purpose and reason to speak up
Understanding goal: work through problem or address situation
Example: calling out difficult behavior - intent is awareness, not embarrassment
Son's intent: truth be heard for resolution, not spite
Positive intent increases likelihood of open-minded reception

Must be factual, real, no sugar coating
Must take receiver's feelings into account
Example scenario: team member not pulling weight
- Direct approach: "Hey team, we have not met any of our commitments over the past several weeks"
- Factual: "Hey team member, we've looked at the data and you have not been able to meet your commitments over the past three sprints"
- Empathetic: "We are concerned that you do not have everything that you need and that we need to do something better to support you"
Results: teams become highest performing in company through open conversations

Most missing piece in workplace conversations
Common problem: entire meeting spent hashing through problem, need another meeting for solutions
"Mic drop moments" - unproductive
Example mic drop: "This project is a disaster, we do not have the people, skills, resources or technology to get this done, we're going to spend a million more dollars before we see it to the end" (then leave room)
Better approach: identify problems + bring possible solutions
Reframed example: "We've come to realize we don't have the people skills resources or technology in-house, that's why we're struggling so much on this project. I think if we were to use this external vendor who we know has this experience and has done this type of work before, we're going to be able to complete it and meet our goals"

Challenge to those who say "will never work where I work"
Power in speaking up: 9 times out of 10, if thinking it, at least one other person has same thought
Once said, real conversations start to happen
Son changed entire group dynamic through courage and confidence
Best organizations have people at all levels with courage to tackle tough topics
Being open and honest helps both individuals and organizations
Closing: "Call me captain obvious but isn't that the kind of place that you want to work in?"

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