A Filmmaker + a Therapist on People-Pleasing | TED Intersections

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People-Pleasing Manifestations and Recognition

Baron Ryan (BR): Admits to being a people pleaser, sees solutions but struggles to implement them
- Example: Uber ride - AC too cold, driver asked if too cold, BR said no despite discomfort
- Recognizes pattern but doesn't act on awareness
Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (SRYA): Slow revelation of people-pleasing tendencies
- Compared self to obvious people pleasers initially
- Would agree to dreaded requests from respected individuals
- Difficulty saying no to people whose love/appreciation she desired
- Last 2-3 years: more intentional addressing of behavior
- Comfortable asking strangers for small favors (mints example)

SRYA: Believes solutions exist, not solution-less problem
- First step: admitting something bothers you
- Start with close friends/family before strangers
- Communicate possibility of discomfort: "I'm dreading this but willing to do it"
BR: Theory about resilience vs. avoidance
- Solution: opening up and building resilience when hurt
- Better than never trying or staying in shell
- Currently "workshopping" this approach
BR: Anxiety vs. depression approach
- Currently thinks in hindsight (depressed approach)
- Suggests being more anxious - looking forward to prevent disasters
- Example: anticipating cold in Uber, acting preemptively

SRYA: Identifies BR's people-pleasing as likely trauma-based
- "Bad things always happen" worldview indicates trauma experience
BR: Youngest child dynamics
- Always giving in as youngest sibling
- Trained to accommodate others
- Training serves poorly in adulthood
SRYA: People-pleasing to avoid humiliation of rejection
- Fear of asking for needs and being told you're not important enough
- Easier to avoid rejection than risk not getting what you want

BR: Others' opinions significantly impact him, especially from people he cares about
- Strategy: treat opinions/compliments like sugar - don't take too much
- Must forget positive opinions to not be affected by negative ones
- Social media likes/comments viewed as potentially harmful if overconsumed
SRYA: Always cared too much about others' opinions
- Grandmother's advice from 2019: "They're just people"
- Puts people on pedestals despite knowing own opinions are flawed and changeable
- Gives others' opinions excessive weight, treats them as unchangeable/correct

SRYA: Oldest child, parents put "best foot forward"
- Pressure to excel, become "next top athlete or politician"
- Still craves "I'm proud of you" from dad as adult
- Hears about dad's pride from others more than directly from him
- Pattern: parental approval → teachers/administration → boss → everyone
BR: Respects dad's opinion highly
- Avoids calling for advice due to fear of being wrong
- Believes dad is right "no matter what"
- Theory: wisdom lies in not listening to elders too closely
- Value in discovery through making mistakes vs. just learning about mistakes

SRYA: Dad at top of approval hierarchy
- Mother struggled with mental health issues, experienced trauma
- Dad given "hero role" - parent who would save family
- Views dad as stability, security, contentment
- More embarrassed about disappointing dad than public failure
- Waits months to tell dad about projects, fears they won't pan out
House-buying revelation: dad never bought house before
- Realized she was having experiences outside his experience
- Couldn't rely on dad for all advice
- Felt like "swimming without life vest for first time"
- Mother passed away (context for adult dad references)

BR: Comments mostly positive but expects lurking haters
- Theory: haters wait for moment to strike when you "screw up"
- Expects to "get canceled one day - everyone does"
Comment sections not representative of general audience
- Compares to restaurant reviews - only motivated/bitter people comment
- People with time to comment get angry quickly
SRYA: Same content can get positive initial comments, then one negative comment changes trajectory
- People follow crowd whether positive or negative
- Online space makes it hard to dismiss negative opinions as "just one person"

Question: Do people base relationship success metrics on what they see others do?
SRYA: Not exactly imposter syndrome but similar
- Clear trajectories expected: meet → move in → engaged → married → kids → house
- Don't stop to ask "why am I doing this?"
- Example: Do you need to sleep in same bed every night?
- Fear: if I don't do it this way, is my relationship legitimate?
Solution: avoid comparison, check in with yourself about what works
- What worked 10 years ago might not work today
- People-pleasing prevents honest communication with partners
- Example: couples together 30 years afraid to express dislikes

BR: Danger of falling for fantasized version of partner
- Project fantasy onto person, they inevitably fall short
- Need some reality, maybe some comparison helps
- Main metric: check if you're happy "as is"
"Jaguar Hunter" story analogy by Lucius Shepherd
- Happy South American tribe gets TV, becomes miserable
- Sees outside world luxuries, can't be happy with their heaven
- Metaphor: we put "TV" in relationships, compare to others
- Solution: look around, assess if you feel good doing daily tasks together
SRYA: We ignore unhappiness during "learning someone" phase
- Enjoy fantasy of being in relationship, not the actual person
- Example: "He's not romantic but he's here for weddings, warms up car"
- 10 years later: "My husband's not romantic" - but was he ever?
- Develop hopes for partners before committing

BR's idea: New York state requires lie detector test for marriage licenses
- 100% accurate lie detector to curb divorce rates
- Intrusive questions: "Who's more attractive, partner or partner's sister?"
- "If partner died, who would you turn to first?"
Theory: relationships need some fantasy to work
- Too much honesty might destroy relationships
- We don't love ourselves/humanity enough for complete rawness
- Story follows couple through test, disaster strikes
SRYA: Loves concept, suggests letting viewer decide ending
- Offers to play therapist/lie detector operator role
- Husband makes short films, has acting experience

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